Meet The Spartans (Movie Review)

Hollywood.com Says

There’s nothing funny here only sad. Sad in the sense that enough people will see Meet the Spartans to warrant a continuation of this franchise. And until that next spoof comes, there will not be a worse movie. It’s just not possible.

Story
To say that Meet the Spartans is a spoof of 300 is to suggest that there is some semblance of a storyline mocking that the 2007 blockbuster epic; I refuse to give it that much credit. Rather, this movie is a lame-ass excuse to randomly throw jabs at pop culture and, in extreme emergencies, “advance” the “plot”--which only really makes fun of 300’s subtexts, not its story. It all starts in ancient Sparta, where a young Leonidas (Sean Maguire) is groomed to defeat the evil Xerxes (Ken Davitian, “the fat guy from Borat,” which is essentially how the movie introduces him) and the invading Persians (led by Method Man). But really, Spartans is all about the atrociously unfunny parodies that litter its not-brief-enough 80 minutes: Transformers, Stomp the Yard, Happy Feet, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Ugly Betty, Anna Nicole, Britney, Paris, homosexuality, bodily functions--they’re all spoofed here! A truly groundbreaking concept, indeed.

Acting
Formerly up-and-coming British actor Maguire (England's EastEnders) must’ve thought a lead role, no matter how bad the movie, would beget bigger jobs in the near future. Oops! Didn’t he ever hear of Adam Campbell, the like-minded bloke whose biggest role since headlining Date Movie was last year’s Epic Movie? In short, actors looking to break out should not be tempted by crap like this. It’s the same story: Maguire can obviously act, but he makes a complete fool of himself in the process and now must give his career time to recover. He only bears a slight physical resemblance to the actor he’s parodying, Gerard Butler (when heavily bearded), and otherwise spends the movie uttering the worst possible lines when not subjecting himself to scenes so mortifying that they’re like some kind of Fear Factor for Actors. Elsewhere, the usual D-listers pop up for a shot at regaining quasi-relevance. Carmen Electra, now a veteran of this franchise--lucky her!--plays Leonidas' wife and is leaned on for nothing more than her hotness. Which is more than can be said about everyone else, from a clearly desperate-for-work Kevin Sorbo (Andromeda) as one of Leonidas’ ‘yes’ men, to Method Man, whose heretofore-horrible film résumé just got worse.

Direction
Whereas Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer’s Scary/Epic/Date Movie spoofs might’ve bore the “this probably wasn’t as easy to come up with as it seems” tag, Spartans looks like something from a script they found in the garbage can at a middle school: Not only is it pure trash unworthy of being released, but the “jokes,” if you will, were seemingly written by and for 13- to-14-year-olds. Not one second of the movie is even implicitly deserving of a snicker; instead, it’s actually antagonizing to watch, as Friedberg and Seltzer bombard us with scene after scene of the shallowest material ever committed to celluloid. This is the absolute dreg of cinema, the lowest of the low, not to be confused with “lowbrow,” which would be an unfair compliment in this case. Spartans even fails miserably in trying to make fun of the few pop-culturisms that deserve it, and the least the writer-directors could’ve done was hire actors who physically resemble the celebs they’re spoofing! Friedberg and Seltzer are just utterly allergic to originality: Obviously you don’t expect the story to be original, since it’s all a rip-off to begin with, but they can’t even spin any of it into a single original gag. And they're so lost during the few non-spoof scenes that they resort to the dreaded pratfalls. Seriously, these dudes make Uwe Boll look like Orson Welles.

Eddie bedded Mel just three times

Spice Girl demanded $9m baby payout, claim's star's lawyer

By Georgina Dickinson & Hannah Lorch

WE reveal the astonishing scary truth about Spice Girl Mel B's "great love affair" with Eddie Murphy ...they only had sex THREE times.

But incredibly that was enough to get her pregnant, crash their three-month fling and spark one of Hollywood's biggest legal bust-ups.

Now, for the first time, a family source close to movie superstar Eddie has revealed the intense bitterness and hatred between the couple, but sensationally claimed:

"Mel said all the problems would go away if Eddie agreed to her demands for a $9MILLION (that's £4.5million) house in Malibu plus living expenses for 18 YEARS."

In an exclusive interview with the News of the World the insider told us: "Mel might have been in love with Eddie but he was certainly NOT in love with her.

Split

"Mel did NOT live at his house although she told people she did.

"And it wasn't a passionate relationship. They slept together just three times.

"That's why he was stunned when she announced she was pregnant after they split. He truly did not believe it was his child. As they only had sex a few times, and she'd PROMISED she had a contraceptive coil fitted, Eddie was certain it couldn't be his."

The insider then revealed that since DNA tests proved Eddie DID father the baby, nine-month-old Angel, he is now convinced wild 32-year-old Mel had wanted a baby with him all along.

Our source said: "Right from the moment she was introduced to Eddie she was infatuated and started to tell her friends she was going to marry him.

"It was clear Mel was desperate to be like Posh Spice and wanted a high profile catch like David Beckham.

"She wanted the fame and the fortune and more than anything she wanted a wealthy, A-list husband.

"Getting involved with Mel was the worst mistake Eddie ever made and he'll regret it for the rest of his life.

"He's eaten away by bitterness and is convinced she's trying to ruin him.

"Of course he will pay to support Angel—at the moment it's $15,000 (£7,500) a month—but he refuses to be part of her life right now because he doesn't want anything to do with Mel.

"Things got so ugly between them Eddie even had his lawyer send her lawyer a letter accusing her of extortion—he thinks she's been rubbishing his name in order to make him cave in to her outlandish financial demands."

The News of the World has seen a copy of that letter which spells out Mel's alleged multi-million pound terms and accuses the singer of a "smear" campaign against 46-year-old Eddie.

Our source added that alarm bells had been ringing for Eddie even before Mel announced she was expecting his baby.

The insider said: "On one of their very first dates Mel told Eddie she fantasised about having a threesome with a woman she knew from Los Angeles.

"Eddie just could not believe how forward she was in suggesting that.

"It was clear she had a very strong sexual appetite.

Sick

"But Eddie's a complete germophobe and his fear of catching something would never allow him to have sex with a stranger, so that was never going to happen."

The American star is convinced Mel deliberately contrived to have their baby on his birthday just to spite him.

Our source said: "Angel was due on April 15th but Eddie's birthday is on April 3rd and he firmly believes she purposely made an appointment to have a premature Caesarean section so that she could give birth that day.

"He says Mel wanted to have another tie to him and this was her sick way of doing it.

"Now he says he'll never again be able to enjoy his birthday as he'll just be thinking of all the hurt she's caused him.

"It's all so sad because there's an innocent little girl involved here but Eddie is adamant that the two of them mean nothing to him—and I can't see a time when he'll ever forgive Mel.

"Eddie says when Angel is old enough to start asking about her dad, then he'll meet her. But only if that ever happens.

"He's still so angry and I think he always will be."

(from newsoftheworld.co.uk)

Click for sexy pics of all the Spice Girls

Jolie is Pregnant Again?

Amid rumors that Angelina Jolie, 32, is expecting twins, a close source confirms to Us Weekly that the actress is indeed pregnant.

One SAG (Screen Actors Guild Awards) attendee tells Us in its latest issue, "It was so obvious she was pregnant. You could clearly see the bump's outline."

The source reveals Jolie may sell the confirmation, with the money going to charity.

Reps for Jolie and Brad Pitt, 44, refused to comment.

The couple have four children: Maddox, 6, Pax, 4, Zahara, 3, and Shiloh, 19 months, whom Jolie gave birth to in May 2006.
(from www.themovieinsider.com)

Rambo (2008)

Rambo Film Review by James Berardinelli

ACTION

United States, 2008

U.S. Release Date: 1/25/08 (wide)

Running Length: 1:25

MPAA Classification: R (Violence, gore, rape, profanity)

Theatrical Aspect Ratio: 2.35:1

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Julie Benz, Paul Schulze, Graham McTavish, Matthew Marsden

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Screenplay: Sylvester Stallone

Cinematography: Glen MacPherson

Music: Brian Tyler

U.S. Distributor: Lionsgate

In the Rambo canon, where does this one fit? The tone is closer to First Blood but the body count is more Rambo III. No matter how one dices and slices this new Rambo, the first one in 20 years, it will likely please fans of the long-in-the-tooth series, provided they still go to see movies. Rambo probably has enough action to capture the attention of the next generation, but will they view Stallone as a dinosaur or as someone who can wreak carnage with the best of them? Rambo is as gory as films come while maintaining an R rating, and the carnage is too explicit to be considered cartoonish. The camera doesn't cut away when limbs are shot off or when unsuspecting peasants step on landmines.

It's impressive that Stallone is still authoritative as John Rambo, ex-Green Beret. The actor is 61 years old but Rambo (unlike Rocky) has a timeless quality to him. One never questions the credibility of this aged actor playing this action hero because Rambo, as befits his iconic status, doesn't appear to have changed much in the last 20 years. It's interesting to note the different directions in which Stallone has taken his two famous screen alter-egos. In Rocky Balboa, the title character is defined by his age. He's getting old and the years are weighing him down. In Rambo, age is irrelevant. John Rambo has come to terms with his killer instinct and how many years he has left is irrelevant.

As the film opens, we are provided with a thumbnail sketch of the situation in Burma, where most of the action will take place. Credit Stallone for not being topical by setting this in Iraq or some other Middle Eastern location where Rambo could battle terrorists. (Ironically, Rambo III put the character in Afghanistan battling alongside the "freedom fighters" who would eventually develop into terrorists.) Here, he's after the old stand-by of a corrupt army led by a sadistic colonel, whose evil and cruelty are highlighted in brutal scenes where innocent peasants are slaughtered by the dozens. Anyway, Rambo is minding his own business, grunting, catching snakes, grunting, hammering hot metal rods into weapons of mass destruction (in his hands, at least), and grunting some more. That's when Michael (Paul Schulze, the guy from Division that Jack Bauer shot in the head) and Sarah (Julie Benz, a popular TV actress) enter his life. They're Christian missionaries on their way up river from Thailand to Burma and they would like Rambo to be their guide. He takes some persuading but ultimately can't resist a pretty face. The film smartly avoids having these two dance around in a ballroom while Angela Lansbury sings in the background.

The river trip doesn't go without incident. Rambo has to wipe out a boat full of nasty pirates to keep them from raping Sarah and beheading her colleagues. Michael doesn't approve of Rambo's tactics and, once they reach their destination, he huffily informs their guide that his services will no longer be required. Of course, the missionaries are soon captured by the bad guys and in almost no time, Rambo is retracing his path upriver with a bunch of mercenaries in tow. Following a lot of running around in the jungle (where we keep expecting Marlon Brando to appear), we are treated to a few Rambo moments and the climax has a suitably high body count. The denouement is strange, though, being reminiscent of the ending to episodes of the old TV series The Incredible Hulk.

Is there a reason to be disappointed? Not by the plot, surely, which is in the good Rambo tradition of not making a lot of sense and not being at all bothered by that fact. Not by the acting, either. Stallone knows Rambo well enough that he could play him in his sleep and none of the other characters possesses much in the way of individuality. I think this is supposed to be a little like The Dirty Dozen, but the only mercenary to make an impression is the tough-talking Graham McTavish, who seems to be doing a Vinnie Jones impersonation. No, if there's a reason for mild dissatisfaction, it's that there aren't enough Rambo moments. Why are we in the theater in the first place? To see Stallone cut, shoot, and blow his way through enemies from start to finish. Unfortunately, there are a few too many scenes that feature Stallone running through the forest or staring daggers at people he doesn't like. One could argue that the climax makes up for it but, despite all the mayhem, it's not visceral or personal enough. Oh well, I suppose you can't have everything. We do get to see Rambo outrun the blast wave from a Claymore mine that has the explosive power of a small nuclear weapon.

Rambo does pretty much what one could reasonably expect it to do. It's not the best of the series (that would be #1) nor is it the worst (#2). It's a middling movie both in terms of the franchise and in terms of action movies in general. If what you want from a movie is a lot of Stallone looking morose and pensive before suddenly going apeshit and slaughtering a bunch of people, then Rambo is your kind of experience. And if you're looking for something else… why the hell would you be considering going to see a Rambo movie in the first place?

Other Film Review :

• Meet the Spartan (2008)
• Untraceable (2008)